The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
