Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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