I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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