Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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