It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
