I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
