I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
