what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
