Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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