Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize