i just wanna soil my oats bro
the condom got lost in my hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
