I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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