if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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