ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
