I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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