I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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