I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize