Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
