is your mom at the bar?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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