i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
