I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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