i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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