I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
