My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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