ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
