capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
