Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
