He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
