What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
