Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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