I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
