I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
