The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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