Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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