So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
