I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
ok first of all what the fuck
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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