It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
