You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
