I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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