Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
