sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
