This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
