Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
