when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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