I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
