At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
