Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
