sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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