Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
