"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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