You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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