We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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