do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
