there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Are we still banned from the library?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
