I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
