She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pants are for mortals
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