Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
