mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
