I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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