Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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