How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
