There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
