Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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