Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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