I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You can't special order awesome
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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